He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
