You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
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