Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
Randomize
