Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
