Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
