i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Randomize
