I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
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