WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
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