last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Randomize
