She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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