This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
