ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Randomize
