i need an iv and a liver transplant
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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