i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
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