Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Randomize
