Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
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