Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
