If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
So much Jack, so little girl.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Randomize
