Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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