I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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