you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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