she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
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