Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Randomize
