When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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