He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
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