Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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