Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Randomize
