see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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