well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Randomize
