Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
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