Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
