I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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