They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
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Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
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If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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