When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Randomize
