It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
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