I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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