im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
Randomize
