My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
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