i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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