Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
