The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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