when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
