my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Randomize
