I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
