Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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