She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
Someone shattered a urinal.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
