Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Randomize
