I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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