hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
But what if there are 6 people and they end up just pairing the off into 3 couples. Is it still an orgy?
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Randomize
