a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
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