My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
BLOW JOB GIRL IS IN WALMART
Some people actually refer to her as Kaitlyn you know.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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