wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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