Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
so how does one go about finding a summer fling?
take advantage of an intern
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Randomize
