Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
