i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
