we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
