Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
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