this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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