did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I'm passing your future prison.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Randomize
